I’ve been thinking on this since Valentine’s day. I was never one to go and get all depressed over Singles Awareness Day, and personally when I walked into a restaurant on Feb 14 and saw couple in matching red outfits I thought they just looked silly not out of jealousy…because, they actually looked silly. But I have realized something though, maybe it’s the Facebook I AM ENGAGED!!! LOOK AT MY WEDDING! OOOH MY ULTRASOUND WAS TODAY, WANNAAAA SEEE? notes that keep swirling around me. I realized, I am not 12.

This may sound like a strange realization to have, since I haven’t been 12 for 15 years now, but I have always felt about 12. That same insecure middle school starting (we Jr. High for use LHS jokes) feeling. Like I am still on edge waiting for some jerk to snap my bra, and for me to trip with a tray of food in front of a room full of people, or have someone  laugh at how my chest size made it impossible for me to do the limbo (yes, thank you, you are so kind.) I’m still in the mode of fear I will do something dumb and everyone will make fun of me —”They’re all going to laugh at you!!”

I know I’m not who I was when I was a teenager, I’ve had so many experiences that have took me in new directions…but I don’t FEEL that different personality wise. The fact that I always look younger than I am doesn’t help in this regard. People assume I am a kid, so I still act like one, it’s an excuse to wear pink hats out in public and pigtails, and not be taken seriously. Apparently my greatest fear is TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, based on how many times I am legitimately upset and turn it into a joke.

I seriously think that if there was a movie ever made about my life I would be the quirky sidekick….yes I WOULD BE THE SIDEKICK IN MY OWN MOVIE. I was always the girl with a good amount of guy friends…who were all interested in one of my other friends, and used me to vent about said girls.

So what does this have to do with Valentine’s day? It’s the famous line mother’s all over the world tell their little girls “You have to love yourself first” and I, as you might have noticed, seem to hate myself with a passion. My mother gave me a link to an online dating site, which I am not taking seriously, but sure, I made an account months ago because if my own mother has given up on me and wants me to date online, I guess I should pretend to make an effort

Every time someone messages me on a site like this and says something complimentary I just assume they are insane, because who would compliment me….okay most of the people on sites like this very well may be insane. Like how I’m pretty sure this 56 year old that messaged me drove my school bus a few times when I was a kid. Also this 47 year old who said “can we chat sometime, maybe meet and do something?” That sounds…like something one should not reply to. And now a 43 year old. This is soooo boosting my self esteem.  Hmm, and this fellow who messaged me several weeks ago and then forgot and sent the same generic message again that he must send to all the girls.

So my experiment is showing interesting results. I should note that I have NOT replied too any of these people.

This leads me to the question of WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THAT ONLY 56 YEAR OLD BUS DRIVERS want to date me?

I have examined the problem and have come up with the following reasons:

1. My hobbies and interests are just too specific and unique for anyone to connect with me, and feel they have things in common with me. I mean I like strange things like, watching movies, and TV shows, going to the movies, reading emails (typo edit, originally this said EATING EMAILS, which Kat told me might be the reason I am single haha), being online, books and reading…Hey. wait….

2. My look. I’m not sure if these relatively older gentlemen are messaging me because they want to date much younger women, or if they are creepy men who like girls who look like teenagers, because there is not a day in my life so far that I have actually looked 27. I’m 23 on a “I’m going to dress like a grownup day.”  I look at some of my co-workers who are similarly aged and I just feel like I’m the little girl playing dress up compared to them.  Put-together is not a description that matches me very well.

3.) Because of my job. I think I mentioned that a friend of mine was feeling a bit iffy about a guy she went on a few dates with (and was still not sure if she liked or not) hanging out with us at the Casino the other night. He wanted to bring his friends too, and she told him that that was okay, her friends weren’t really into bar hopping with the guys because “One is in a relationship….and the other is a Librarian.” Thanks? Also, when guys think “Librarian” they seem to think shy, mousy and socially awkward on the outside but deep down she is wild!!!  I’ve got that mousy and socially awkward part down perfect, but that’s it. What you see is what you get, there really is no such thing as Naughty Librarians, or School Teachers (okay, yes the Elem Teacher that was fired for being on the bikini boat) but I mean in real life people are just people, they don’t have hidden dark sides…I think. I know I don’t.

4.) Because I have such high standards, no really. Here is what I want in a guy:

a. He should be able to wrap presents, because I am really bad at that.

b. he should also be able to open jars and things for me without making fun of how weak I am, because it is NOT about weakness, i just have child sized hands that make it hard to open things.

c. he should probably be able to cook, since I tend to catch things on fire when I try.

d. He should not be embarrassed if he walks in on me dancing and singing along to the Go Go’s or Operator Please or …Kelly Clarkson…

e. He should know that when I scream “It’s a SPIDER, GET RID OF IT, GET RID OF IT!!!” there is an unspoken (because I am paralized by fear) :”but don’t kill it please, just get it the heck away from me” added to that.

f. It would help if he liked to put things away, especially clothes, because I HATE putting laundry away, it’s my least favorite chore. I am all for scrubbing, cleaning bathrooms, really. Just folding laundry and putting it away is an issue.

g. He should probably like insane Cats, because Sadie is a bit mental.  Right now I swear she is trying to aim her little foam cat toys into the garage can. Is there an NBA for cats?

h. The use of decent grammar is needed, I’m not a grammar Nazi (def not spelling Nazi either since that would be hypocritical…as I had spelled Nazi wrong as pointed out by Chris) but,  really,  ”yous” is not a word here people.

i. He should not be a 56 year old bus driver. Or really over ten years older than me, because that just screams CREEPY.

j. I would say He has to be taller than me (because I need help reaching for things), but really….who isn’t

I think the real issue is, where do 20-something meet people Think about it.  I work in an Elementary school, so work is not an option. How many guy elementary teachers did you have, really? I’m not a bar person, never was, I can’t ever hear what anyone is saying. Through friends, my friends leave the house about as much as I do…maybe less.

I suppose I should get a few more cats and just offically give up haha. But there might still be hope, perhaps 27 is too young to go into Crazy Cat Lady status…I hope.