Before I talk about today’s running experience I wanted to post a writing exercise from a College Creative Writing Class. I wrote this as I began my first major weight loss attempt. I was told by a Dr. I had to lose 30lbs or he would reschedule my surgery, so I went a bit crazy with the exercise. It was hard getting into it, especially at the college gym, so I wrote this about what was going through my head, I feel it is fitting since I am starting this whole wacky thing again:

May 6, 2002

Step one, two, three, four….up down, up down….doing well, feeling that burn. The body is an amazing thing. It can be toned, manipulated, and stretched. We pull it, crunch it, tighten it, roll it, and sometimes (if you are the woman on the yoga tape I watched last night) you can twist it into a nice little pretzel. PRETZELS….my favorite thing to do with pretzels is to put them in vanilla ice cream and top the whole thing off with chocolate syrup and…

BAD, MELISSA, BAD!

Now where was I? Right, Right…the human body. The sense of power one gets from being capable of using it, attempting to conform it, mold it. Each step we take is a miracle, whether of science, or faith, whichever you choose. We are nothing but a mish-mash of organs, muscles, bones, and yet somehow everything can come together. Think of all the great things we as species have managed to do; without that first step we would have, could have, done none of it.

I marvel at this thing called the human body; I find it as complex and spiritual as the soul. Worthless clumps of clay we are not. Without this actual construct, there would be no purpose for individuality at all, no place to house this celebrated soul. We would pretty much be blobs, and I can’t think of any blob with a individualist mind set, can you? If I were a blob I would be far too annoyed to worry about being personal.

Now the count down continues. Still pushing…8 minutes left. Sweat falling, chest heaving, eyes watering, willpower faltering, legs turning into rubber…

KEEP STEPPING, YOU MORON!

The body is a great wonder, remember? What a wuss I am, the queen wuss….bow before me. I can’t even stand on this damn machine for a full 10 minutes. All of these women next to me look like something from a fitness magazine. How is it some people still manage to look like models when they are sweating like pigs, I ask you? There they are with their cute little gym ensembles, and those miniature bottles of water. Then, there’s me…hair escaping from my ponytail, bangs glued to my face. I bet I am a rather interesting shade of red right now, perhaps a deep purple. If we were on the road of life, these girls would be flying past, while I just concentrate on trying to walk without tripping!

Six minutes and 23 seconds to go. Time seems to have stopped….no, not stopped; it actually seems to be moving backwards!

GET YOUR MIND OFF IT…

Do anything…”Your a grand old flag your a high flying flag and forever in peace way you wave….” Okay, that cinches it…exercise has driven me insane. I’m on a stepper, singing patriotic numbers in my head to pass the time.

Who cares about the mysteries of human function and design? I feel hot, disgusting, and generally annoyed. Sometimes I wonder why we even care. I understand all the health concerns and the constant “be fit, stay fit” mentality. But is it really worth all the trouble? Is it worth the sore muscles, and the twisted ankles?

Why is there such a big focus on what we look like? It’s like this constant struggle uphill. If we slip we don’t start from where we left off, we usually roll all the way back down the hill.

You have to maintain it too. It’s not as if you work out for some amount of time, reach your goal and then you magically stay at that level…POOF! You have to always keep striving to guard all you sweated for. One wrong step, an ice cream binge or a month of laziness can push you down that hill.

I read once that the average woman is a size 12. What’s so bad about being average? Why do people have to live their lives trying to be something else, striving for ideals set by society. It’s your own ideals you have to worry about, they don’t have to mimic the ones around us. Supermodels shouldn’t be worshiped; it’s their occupation, nothing more. Some people fix cars for a living, some teach, and some match our culture’s stereotype for beauty.

Okay, finally done. I guess I could say that it wasn’t that bad…but that would be a lie. I’ll come back; I know that. Deep down there is a part of me reaching for that crazy ideal of beauty that I will never actually obtain. It’s as if it is imprinted on our DNA to be unhappy about the way we look, to always attempt to make ourselves into someone else. Exercise is good for you; I know that. It’s important not to let yourself go completely. Exercise is one way we can manually try for self improvement, something we can have physical control over in our lives. We live for the want of control. I’ve decided something though, while I stood on this demon machine for 10 minutes…I bet Hell is a Gym.

Week 1 Day 2 of  The Couch to 5 K program complete. Running in the rain isn’t really as bad as I thought it might be, plus some guy my age was running too so I didn’t feel that insane being out there with the drizzle (okay toward the end it was less drizzle more actual rain.) He passed me many times, not as many as the Grandma yesterday when I was only walking though, so that’s good.

The first week of this beginning runner challenge sounds very easy, run for 1min, walk for 2 and repeat. 1 min sounds like nothing, but when you are used to only walking it turns into one longggg 60 seconds. Like with the story I posted above, I often yell at myself (internally) when I exercise, calling myself names, I’m not very encouraging, unless it is for other people.

Today, I had three thoughts repeating over and over in my head,

1.) Quit, just Quit now, or maybe just do week one over and over again, because you don’t get any further than this. Is being skinny worth this? You’re not even fat, just short and chubby, you can totally live with short and chubby…you are running…in the rain….this is crazy!!!

2.) Why is this a big deal? I can do this, it’s just about moving my legs, which is not a problem I have. I’m not one of those people who refuse to wear SHORTS EVER to hide their legs, I live in shorts because my legs are normal, hell, they are even strong, all those years of dance classes. I mean I was doing all the wrong moves in Dance Class, and at the wrong beats, but it was 13 years of exercise, had to do something, so shut up and run already.

3.) I wish this guy was not here so I could sing along with the music on my ipod, but I can’t with this podcast anyhow. When I get an iphone I can DL the C25K ap and listen to my own music as I run, plus I will have to get the REMEMBER THE MILK ap, and some form of GPS and….

Apparently I am schizophrenic when I exercise.

I’ve been on a “HOLY CHEESEDOODLES HOW DID YOU GAIN THAT MUCH WEIGHT AGAIN, AHHHH YOU NEED TO EXERCISE AND…STOP EATING CHEESEDOODLES ACTUALLY” kick lately. Haha. In the last few weeks I managed to drop 5lbs by walking most nights and remembering to eat at least two meals a day. I have issues with food, I like food, I just don’t like to eat. I know my energy is low with no eating, I know I feel dizzy, I know my body stores fat and it kills my metoblism, so the common sense thing would be remembering to eat breakfast and lunch right? Apparently I have no common sense.
I think much of this goes back to HS where I would not eat lunch because I was concerned that EVERYONE was looking at me and thinking “Why is she eating at all? She is too fat to eat!!” Now, no one ever thought that mostly they were thinking “I wonder if Tim likes me, I know he is dating Samantha, but he looked at me during volleyball, and it was a meaningful look!” or “Damn do we have a quiz today in Psych, because I forgot to study because XFiles was on last night and it was a good black oil seeping from the eyes episode!” Well, maybe not…I imagine my classmates as love crazed geeks I guess, BUT the Black Oil Episodes from the XFiles were always good.

Where does this leave me? Inconsistant eater, non-cooker, it leaves me making mircowaved food and doing to Wendys at 10pm because I forgot to eat the thing I put in the microwave. In general, it’s bad. So I started trying to do this whole lunch thing, and it worked for a bit, breakfast, well breakfast is harder but I’ll get there.

I started finding places to walk, and then, one day in a fit of total stress, I started to run off some agression, I didn’t run far but it felt good. So I added that in more, and listened to my friend on facebook talk about the Couch to 5 K Program and decided to try. So I’m going to keep track of it via the blog. Today was my first day of week 1 and in general it sucked. Apparently running for a min then walking for 2 is HARD, maybe not the first time, but by the 5th cycle I started calling the nice man on the podcast profanities.

I am home for the Summer so I kidnapped my younger brother to do it with me, usually this would be a bad idea, David was always the sports guy in the family, so much that he seemed to not be related to Jeff and I. I suffered through softball by watching the butterflies in outfield and went to 13 years of Dance classes to talk to my friends and then swore every year I would break my leg on purpose to not be in the recital, actually I think Jeff ran track, so maybe I’m the only real sports issue. David was always something though, one of the best little leaguers I saw play haha and really all sports and outdoor activities.

So why on earth would I align myself with THAT? Well, this last half a year or so, due to some medicine he is on, David gained enough weight that I can now run with him without him COMPLETELY leaving me in the dust. Not good for him, but makes it so I don’t have to suffer alone!

I chose to run at a half complete park by my parent’s house, it was muddy and rocky, the next day I do this (THURS I THINK) I will maybe go to an actual park. I am going to my apartment Tues and Wed so I may have to do Monday, Thursday  and Saturday as my three days this week. I plan to kidnap Pam and walk at night as well, or my mother.

I know I am overweight, not exceptionally so, though I am only 5foot, so I am apparently supposed to weight 105lbs, HAHAHAAAA My goal is getting back to 130, which some girls would think of as heavy, but I’m not some girls, that was a good weight for me, so only 21lbs to loose! *drops dead*

Start of Week One Weigh In: 151.2lbs

I had a blast at Book Expo today. if you follow me on twitter, are a facebook or LJ friend, or just know me in person, this will not shock you, but for any reader’s who don’t know me, I am naturally a nervous wreck, especially when the situation involves planning, or decisions. It is 100% certain that I will have some form of freak out when planning a trip, and generally a major one right before I leave.

This year my freak out was mostly due to me leaving my phone in Dallas and not feeling confident about traveling around NYC without it, and the phone numbers of my other NYC bound friends. A late night facebook/AIM scrambled saved the day but I had to still brave the bus. I didn’t start to feel sick until the girl in front of me pushed her seat back on where I was seated, right in my face and the whole bus filled with people, so I had a guy next to me. The last hour or so like that made me stir crazy and dizzy, but the ride back allowed me a seat to myself, and I actually got an hour of sleep in.

I am decently comfortable with the part of NYC BEA was held, after being Port Authority bound many times in my life, so once I got off the bus my nerves lifted and it was time for some fun. I found Lauren and we hit BEA. Lauren and Katie had both been there Friday, and last year, so they knew the Ins and Outs of what to do and where things were, and I had been to Conference Center for Comic Con with those two last year so I knew the building layout.

I’m too tired to go into major detail, but I did have a great time, it was librarian central! I saw a woman I remember from Albany and another who was on the NY BOCES Library Council with me, and got to meet many more great people as we stood in lines. I had a chance to see friends I haven’t actually spent time with in forever (Well, this is the second time this month for Lauren, bet she is sick of me :P) and get some really exciting books signed. I couldn’t make BEA on Friday, so I missed out on many of the Children’s authors for my school kids (and the YA’s and Neil Gaiman for me, sad.)

I would have loved to get to meet Libba Bray or Jane Yolen, and get a picture book from Neil Gaiman, but I will not lament, because I saw some pretty awesome people today, like R. L. Stine (I went into a bit of shock I think, I was a baby of the 80’s, but a child of the 90’s, Fear Street was influencal in my reading development and really helped create the type of reader I am today, one who loves a good ghost story, mystery, or dark comedy)

(I tookt he pic before he was ready, uh oops, he was friendlier than he looks in that picture lol)

Kate DiCamillo was so nice as well. Katie and I were Maureen Johnson’s fans, starting the line a half hour or more before it was her time, then rushed over to get “Geektastic” signed by Holly Black, Kelly Link and Carissa Clare. I steered away from Kathy Lee Gifford and Nicholas Sparks, because, it’s just not me, but I did get the sequel to Graceling in ARC, not out until the fall.

Signed books from BEA:

Books (ARCs mostly) from BEA (not autographed):

My Collection of Autographed Books so far:

What a lovely weekend, and that extra day today made it perfect. Could not have asked for better weather, or a better way to spend it. Not long ago I upgraded my old Canon digital camera to…a new Canon digital camera, but there are some different settings to play with so I used this weekend as a chance to experiment.
Saturday I went for an hour and a half walk around Mellow Park, but didn’t have the camera with me. Shot some things with my cellphone, but nothing I can upload or send with my plan from 2003 that has not changed, so I’ll show you Sunday and Monday via photos instead

SUNDAY

-played around with camera trying to find a new facebook picture:

-Realize I don’t know how to smile, and decide not to waste my batteries and instead take pictures of nice things like mom’s garden

-And the pets:

-Nittany dug holes and tried to look innocent:

-Ren hunted in the jungle of the driveway

-I went for a Walk at Alyesworth

-Not much Trail, mostly rocks

MONDAY

-Went to a Parade

-Went to a Memorial Service at the Cemetery

-And finished my day at “home” by bothering the animals with the camera more

My College had a 5 year reunion a few weekends back, which I attended with some of my ol’ college buddies. While sorting through my reunion pictures I could not help but do a compare, contrast with pictures from my college days. Things have changed, I was chubby at the start of college, skinny in the middle and chubby again, so all the pictures of me are…interesting. I got rid of those very lovely bangs I was sporting Freshmen and Sophmore year o’college. I…still look 12 though.

What I do know is, I have changed so much since 2000, it’s really insane to think about. Freshmen year of college I would never have imagined I would be able to drive down to York by myself as stupid as that sounds, or that I would have been living in Albany taking the bus all over the city doing lord knows what, or living here now, working as a librarian. Freshmen year I didn’t know myself at all, I was scared and quiet. I came out of my shell in college, as cliche as that sounds, it is true. I wasn’t worried about how I looked, I wasn’t worried about who liked me, I was having fun with great people. Since graduating I have started to revert back to the old me, the self-hating,  sad Melissa, which is something I am afraid of, and am not sure how to fix. But I’m not giving up without a fight. I would like to be confident, and not always view myself as a child, or as ugly, or as fat, or as stupid. (I have some self esteem issues apparently..oops!)

York College
2000-2004:

York College 5 Year Reunion
May 2009:

There has been talk of youtube trying to beome Hulu-tastic. They did a redesign, that is supposed to focus more on professional content (TV shows) and less on user created content. Now, Youtube is my crack. I know most of you are iPhone addicts, and I respect that. My addiction is more simple, youtube…one of the reasons I am thinking of an iPhone is to watch youtube ALL OF THE TIME. Yes, it is that bad. I use Hulu for when I miss watching Dollhouse on fridays due to homework I put off until the last possible moment, but youtube is the best thing on the planet, just how it is.

I blame the vlogbrothers for this. Speaking of which, here is a musical explanation of the youtube situation:

So far this change hasn’t affected my ability to find people taking video of their cats:

I accept that there should be some professional content, or else how would I be able to watch this:

But I really would appreciate if youtube stayed…youtubey.

So that Blog every day in April thing, not really working for me I guess. But I am READING at least one blog every day in April, that’s another way to look at the situation, don’t you agree? Yes, I am pushing it. My big order of Library books is in, so you should expect my Library Log to start fill up with Upper Elementary Books that I want to read in order to book talk them to the kids (lie! it will fill up with upper elementary books because I WANT to read them.) I finally got my hands on “Rapunzel’s Revenge” by one of my favorite Upper Elem/YA writers, Shannon Hale. It was really funny, and well drawn. I think I should focus more on Graphic Novels, I am only starting to get into that, which is odd since I love online comics so much. So any recommendations for Graphic Novel Reading will be greatly appreciated. I think I want to try out “Fables” next, as I keep hearing good things about that, and we all know I love my twisted fairy tales, be they twisted in fluffy funny ways, or twisted…as in twisted.
I very happily read “Wintergirls” the new book by Laurie Halse Anderson. I was talking to my friend, a fellow YCP English major, her being a HS English Teacher, and me taking the Librarian route, who told me she loves Anderson’s books that are…not…”Speak-like” like Prom, which I did read, and “Twisted” (didn’t get to yet) but didn’t really like “Speak”, and would not be very interested in “Wintergirls.” I am the opposite type of reader. I don’t mind the dark, uncomfortable, the misery. “Speak” was one of my favorite books, not one of my favorite YA books, favorite books overall. I think it is because it didn’t just tell a story, it took you somewhere authentic, and really awful, but left you with hope.

“Wintergirls” does the same thing. It wasn’t “Speak” for me, as the ending just came together too well, but overall, watching the downward spiral of this young girl, and to see through her own eyes and her warped perceptions about her weight, you can see why so many young girls get “Eating Disorders.” Often we look at them from our end and think “Can’t they see how insane it is, How can they think that 80lbs looks good? I just don’t get how you could force yourself to not eat…” But being inside Lia’s head makes you understand things from their point of view. The sense of power and well being she gets from seeing the scale go down, or putting things past her family. You have to catch yourself at times, and remember that Lia’s trumphs are actually distructive, the power of Anderson’s writing makes you almost believe Lia’s twisted view of the situation.

I did some things with my eating that, while not anything that would kil me like Lia, bordered on the unhealthy. I have been told by several people that they thought I was EDNOS due to my inconsistant eating, and how I dropped 30lbs in not the best way. I did see myself in Lia to a lesser extent, I could see what I was doing at that time, but only now looking back do I realise that my lack of eating, and exercising multiple times a day, and my pattern eating of only rice kripsies and mandrine oranges for a year, and getting dizzy at work because I had not eaten anything other than a rice cake for a couple days…was…bad. At the time I was so thrilled by seeing the scale drop, that nothing else really mattered. I’m just lucky that I got so stressed by senior year of college and lost the willpower to get skinny, which counteracted the 3 years of unhealthy near disordered eating.   I still lack eating skills, not eating all day then eating Jelly Beans for dinner or something strange. I think I need a nutrionist actually…

Laurie talking about what a “Wintergirl” is:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/mpd/permalink/mBR84KI4N5BRO

Christian was trying to convince me that my shoulder pain may be because there is a ghost on my shoulder, like in a horror movie he saw. The only thing I have killed lately is a bug or two…and plants, I do kill plants. So we are now planning a Summer Blockbuster called Ghost Bug, it will be way bigger than that Harry Potter thing that is coming out, that I can promise you.

I am watching the last episode of ER, 20 mins left, I think I will be weeping soon. I grew up with this TV show. I’m getting rather annoyed with all my TV shows up and dying. 7 Years of Gilmore Girls, Only? 15 Seasons of ER? How could they end so soon, 15 Seasons is nothing. I complain, but really I have been lucky, most of  “my” shows have made it a long time running. There are some that I love that expired far too early, like Firefly of course, and Pushing Daisies (will we ever see the last episodes.)

I recently watched the Dead like me movie, not really sure how I feel about one main character not being in it, and another being played by another actress, but in general it was great to see that show come to life again.

Yesterday I went to amazon to look up cases for the iphone. I don’t have an iphone. I think I am getting closer to making that decision though, the nepa tweetup helped, I was one of the only non-iphones there, my phone won’t even let me text people back. I am just concerned that I will misplace something that expensive, as I tend to be bad at remembering where I put my cell phone.

Sorry blog, this rambling about nothing and then more nothing is usually reserved for my livejournal.

ER Over. ER over forever.

*sighs*

new Battery’s Down might help me feel less heartbroken:

I choose to pass no Twilight judgement  I read book one, and two, and watched the movie twice…the first time in the theater and the second the day the DVD came out at a friend’s Twilight party. I was one of the few people at the party who did not dress up in Twiight related t-shirt, actually even the toddlers were twilight-ifed at the party. I chose to toss on my “Librarian” Sweatshirt (my “She blinded me with Library Science” t-shirt was in the wash I fear) so I pretend that counts. But this article made me want to both laugh and cry at the same time:

http://contemporarylit.about.com/b/2009/02/05/stephen-king-calls-stephanie-meyer-not-very-good.htm

It’s more the comments that worry me, like:

Team Stephanie =D says:

R U freakin stupid or r u just platying stupid man Stehanie Meyer is one of the BEST writers in HISTORY!!! ( we talkin’ long time ago buddy)well if you don’t like her it’s probably cuz u ain’t got a soul maybe your feelings drained out of u . well i fell sorry for chu cuz u r missing out on alot =’( (tear)well gotta go i neeed to read ECLIPSE FOR THE 3RD TIME!!!!

February 19, 2009 at 10:33 pm

(4) TWILIGHT !!!!!!! XD says:

AND.. THIS GUY WROTE WAT… I HAD NEVA HEARD OF HIM!!!

I feel for America’s children, mostly because the spell and typo worse than me, which is impressive. I don’t read Steven King, but I thought it was funny that they never even heard of him. It also makes me sad that S. Meyer is the best writer in history,  Twilight is fun, it’s soap-opera-ish, it;s teen hormones, it’s shiny vampires, but it’s not Literature, with a capital L. So many great books out there, hopefully reading Twilight will be a gate way reading drug to other books and create a generation of Readers. Should I cross my fingers on that on?

After finishing this book I read the author’s notes and noticed she mentioned being inspired by Robin McKinley, and Patricia C. Wrede, and it really shows. If you enjoy the works of McKinley and Wrede you will surely enjoy this book. It has some of the light-hearted fun of “Dealing with Dragons” in the relations between the main character, Creel, and the dragons…as well showing the Dragons’ quirky personalities. A very solid fantasy for YA and Middle Readers (and Librarians who love sassy main characters and dragons)

“Even though it looks to be a hefty book, I found it a quick read, mostly because it was a bit addicting, the characters were interesting, no real deep characterization here the characters often represent one thing… though I liked seeing Elizabeth through other people’s eyes, and then through her own thoughts..how everyone thought she was perfect, or bland and really she was forcing herself to be perfect. There is nothing really new here, the themes of keeping up appearances, What is friendship, social/family pressures, not judging people, being true to yourself…add in backstabbing “friends”, an outsider looking in, unrequited love, falling for someone not in the same social class…and mix it all together with pretty dresses, Hey I like pretty dresses. So again, like the other posts mentioned if you are a Gossip Girl fan this book will be right up your alley. I found it an entertaining way to spend my evening.”

“I just finished listening to the audio book in my car (voiced by the woman who does the voice of Misty on Pokemon) and I really enjoyed it. It’s a cute little book, with a bit of bite in the form of a non-sappy and non-glittery Fairy Godmother in training. The narrator’s voice held the right emotion, but it was a bit too cute and perky when fit with this confused and sometimes sarcastic lead character. The book has several laugh out loud moments, plenty of wit and creativity (the names of the characters are wonderful for example “Twisted Ankle” “Frantic Search” “Lemon Droppings”) Overall a fun read (or listen) for those who enjoy fairy tales with a twist. If you enjoy this book I would also recommend Patricia C. Wrede’s “Enchanted Forest Chronicles ” to continue your fractured fairy tale fix.”

“Hale has a lovely writing style and the ability to create characters you can really rally behind. Ani’s tranformation from shy and insignificant to regal was not done in a cliche way, and she remained true to her character (her slightly anxious character) all the way through. I enjoy introspective characters and Hale is excellent at creating them. Do not pass off Hale’s work as “Princess Fluff” as all of her YA and Middle Reader novels have a rich writing style, moral conflicts, and even a dose of ugliness (murders, battles, abandonment) that keeps her books feeling real, despite the magical elements. ”

“I was looking for something interesting to listen to as an audiobook for a road trip and picked up “The Case of the Missing Marquess” expecting it to be something I would enjoy: I love mysteries and YA fiction….and the main character is Sherlock Holme’s sister, what could be better? Well, less detail for one thing. Don’t get me wrong, I love descriptive text, and since this is a historical fiction book you know there will be details about the times, the clothing, the cities…usually I love that, but in this case it often wasn’t “descriptive text”, it was more like long lists. (”She saw this, that, this, that, another one of those, this, that, this, this, that, and him” “I felt this, this, this, this, a bit of this, but mostly that.” ) Nancy Spinger I accuse you of using too many adjectives, and bogging down a plot that was actually interesting. I think this book would have been better if I had read it, not listened to it, so I will try the next in the series in print.